Monday, June 28, 2010

So pretty much...

I've got to get out of here. Out of this house. Out of this state.

Sadly, that is not an option right now.

My dad is in the other room yelling at the dogs about something, not sure what. Its probably not relevant anyhow. 
Oh ya. Did I tell you? We have 4 dogs. Ya. I know. Ridiculous. But hey, its not my house, not really. Its my parents and if my mom says we keep them, then we keep them. And I keep my mouth shut at the suffocating trivialness of it all.

I'm feeling claustrophobic. With this house and with my life. I feel so stuck, like anything I do is not going to get me anywhere. Like I'm a lost cause. Like no matter how hard I try I will never get better and will never be good enough.

I'm just terrified that one day when I do try to leave I'll get pulled back in. As if I'm stuck in some whirlpool of fate--where even when I think I'm getting somewhere, really I'm swimming in circles and no matter how hard I swim I will inevitably end up at the bottom of the ocean.

Or that I will get out there and realize I really am not good enough. Not even close. And then what? Then come back home with my tail tucked between my legs and become a mommy.

I'm not trying to whine or say "woe is me!" or beg for attention. I'm just saying it how I feel, how it is.

Basically, the vampires in my head are screaming at me. And I don't have it in me to kill them off right now.

**skip to 3:30 and you'll see what I mean**


Kayleigh said...

oh ana. i hope that life gets better. :)

ridiculously cliche and cheesy as it is, all you need is a little faith in yourself. really. you go out there, and you prove to other people that you believe you're the best. and with your talent and elbow grease, you will.