Hey world

I started a new blog on tumblr.  I might still post updates here, but i think i'm liking tumblr a lot better. it tends to be more artistic, intersting, and less long winded (which i have a tendency to be) :) so check out my blog there and follow it!

Progress

So I found this crumpled piece of paper...

from who knows how long ago, outlining what I will NOT do. And the things it listed just made me realize how much I have grown.  Many of those things are not problems anymore (though, in some cases, new problems have taken their place).  And if they are still slight problems, the real root of the problem has abated a little. Namely: my insecurities.  Most of the things on there are either product of my past insecurities or the worry about them (when they really are so insignificant) which illustrates more insecurities.

Its funny. Just reading the list brings me back to that place of self consciousness and insecurity.  I can feel how restricted I was. I remember worrying about those things and I did not realize how much wasted energy I spent on being self conscious until it was gone.  Granted, I do not think I wrote these lists on a daily basis. This must have been from an especially self critical day where I needed to get it on paper so I could feel like there was something I could do about it. I won't give you a full list of what I had written down (maybe you'll disagree and think I still have those problems).  Regardless of if you think that, it doesn't matter.  The important difference is my acceptance of myself and my quirks.  And how much I have grown and rid myself of those traits that hindered my progression.

I'm at a point now (and it will probably change next week!) where I am feeling pleased with my progress.  I look back on who I used to be and the work I used to do and I definitely have improved.  A friend mentioned to me the other day how he had a theory that we just don't realize how bad things are when we are going through them. That last year seems so bad and high school even worse than that, but in reality the present may be just as bad, only we don't realize it until its past. He then went on to say how he should probably have a more positive outlook (or something along those lines--hopefully i got that mostly right...)

I was confused by his thoughts and then I realized it was because that is not how I think of the past.  I don't usually think of it as bad or good, but more as different.  I look back on high school and think of the good and bad times and also how much I have changed.  Then I think to last year and how much I grew from where I was in high school (this one actually floors me--the change is definite).  And then from last year to this year how much more I know and how much I have changed and grown.

There are always good and bad times, thats a given.  What makes the difference is if we are continually growing.  Learning, working, improving. Working to a place of self worth and self love--easier said than done, I know.  Only once I've reached a place of freedom from self judgment and deprecation will I be able to get out of my own way and just live.

DISCLAIMER:

This blog isn't meant to be a recollection of my everyday happenings and who I am as a whole. It isn't meant to be pretty or accepted. Its meant to be real.

It is about pieces of me. Pieces of me that I am constantly finding throughout my days. Its the honest extremes, the realizations, the resolves. Sometimes its up and sometimes its down. And that's because sometimes I'm up and sometimes I'm down.

I think there is beauty in honesty, so I do my best to be honest. And in that honesty I have been able to realize things, discover parts of myself and grow.  Honesty is sometimes gritty and undesirable and disagreeable. But, I believe that through honesty we can grow, learn and become better human beings.

So if sometimes I sound melodramatic, manic, whiny, or any other sort of extreme it isn't because that is how I am all the time. It is because that is what that moment was. So to help myself grow I decided to write about it, and in hopes that perhaps somebody else can grow or realize something from my honesty I blog about it.

So just know, I have a lot to be grateful for.  I love my family and they are always so supportive of me. I live a full and blessed life. Sometimes I'm quirky, sometimes I'm whiny and sometimes I'm just here. I have my happy and my sad moments, because you know what? That's life.

This is my way of sharing my joys and my pains. This is me (unwritten).

"This above all: to thine own self be true." 
Oh Shakespeare! You always do say it best. 

"Anxiety is the hand maiden of creativity"

Anxious. My mind was hazy and my body restless. Do you ever get that feeling like your insides are just itching to escape, like you're claustrophobic in your own restrictive skin? That's how I've been feeling recently. Like there is something I am forgetting to do. Like I'm missing something, and the lack of that something is leaving me unfulfilled and ill at ease. Well, recently I realized the reason behind that lack of fulfillment--among others which will be discussed at a later time--was a lack of creation.

Creative people need to create. If we don't, the wasted energy stays bottled inside of us and tumbles into a ball of depression and unease in the pit of our stomachs. Creative people need to write, to sing, to play, to dream, to compose, to draw, to create. At least, that's what I need.

So I went for a walk to try and shake this restlessness and clear my head.  Funny thing: the minute a space is cleared, something surely will fill that space.  Luckily, this time the thoughts that filled the space weren't anxious or depressed.  New, unsolicited ideas flowed into my head without hindrance or hassle.  Ideas for creative endeavors--the likes of which I will not name at this time, for things given announcement and title have a tendency of dying before being born--filled the space in my mind.

Upon arriving home I quickly captured the thoughts with my pen before they could disappear into the recesses of my mind.  I've been writing for the past hour.

DEEP BREATH

Hello inspiration, you've been missed :)

Ponderings, Pessimism, and other P words (Ya. It's what you're thinking.)

Sometimes I wonder if I was meant to have been born a man.

I know. I know. You're laughing. 

But seriously.

I don't think like most girls do. Sometimes I hear the way they look at life and wonder if there is something wrong with me because those thoughts have never crossed my mind.

I don't believe in true love. Not really. I put that one on the same list as Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy. Its just some big fallacy used to make us behave until its too late and we're stuck. Then we realize the fat man is our Dad and the tooth fairy is Mom's coin purse.

Or in the case of true love: we realize that marriage comes down to a pile of regrets, bickering, and separate beds.

So I don't believe in true love. I guess that doesn't make make me a man. Probably more of a pessimist.

Or maybe, a realist.

So pretty much...

I've got to get out of here. Out of this house. Out of this state.

Sadly, that is not an option right now.

My dad is in the other room yelling at the dogs about something, not sure what. Its probably not relevant anyhow. 
Oh ya. Did I tell you? We have 4 dogs. Ya. I know. Ridiculous. But hey, its not my house, not really. Its my parents and if my mom says we keep them, then we keep them. And I keep my mouth shut at the suffocating trivialness of it all.

I'm feeling claustrophobic. With this house and with my life. I feel so stuck, like anything I do is not going to get me anywhere. Like I'm a lost cause. Like no matter how hard I try I will never get better and will never be good enough.

I'm just terrified that one day when I do try to leave I'll get pulled back in. As if I'm stuck in some whirlpool of fate--where even when I think I'm getting somewhere, really I'm swimming in circles and no matter how hard I swim I will inevitably end up at the bottom of the ocean.

Or that I will get out there and realize I really am not good enough. Not even close. And then what? Then come back home with my tail tucked between my legs and become a mommy.

I'm not trying to whine or say "woe is me!" or beg for attention. I'm just saying it how I feel, how it is.

Basically, the vampires in my head are screaming at me. And I don't have it in me to kill them off right now.


**skip to 3:30 and you'll see what I mean**

I want to do something about it

but what?

I got the part

eeeeeeeeeeeeep!!!




(ya. that pretty much covers it, but for those of you who don't understand what that exclamation embodies I'll fill you in.)

I auditioned for shows for this coming fall semester at the U a couple of months ago. I have been waiting anxiously and not so anxiously--while my subconscious sabotaged my sleep with unnerving dreams--for the cast list to be posted.

Yesterday I finally found out when a cast list on facebook--posing as an unassuming message--attacked me! No mental preparation allowed for viewing this cast list (which, believe me, is often necessary-cast lists terrify me!)

I will be playing Sorrel Bliss in a British-drawing-room type comedy called Hay Fever by Noel Coward (the same guy who wrote Blithe Spirit, if you're familiar with that one). I will be playing the daughter of the  crazy Bliss family, in this play that follows the family and their misadventures with some visitors.

Basically, this is the part I wanted. I will be working with the same director I worked on Rocky with and I am beyond excited!

More to come on Hay Fever and the adventures it will bring, later. For now, I am just beyond excited to get back to the stage and feel the love that only can be found within a cast! That love that comes from theatre and everyone doing something they love together. Ya. I miss that.

Today's Realizations

Having the sabbath as a day of rest really is a blessing.

Everyone's life sucks in some way. And yet, there is something good to each life as well.

Tons of  people are going through stuff that I don't even know about. So, just a note to self, STOP WHINING.

I really want to be a hippy.

I seriously want to make acting my career. Not just a lofty idea, dream, or aspiration for fame.

It's a good thing fast food isn't my chosen career field.

Sometimes the world we are convinced of being reality whether it be a world of depression, grief, or exasperation is not the world as it is. Soon things will change and we will look back and say "wow, that was bad." Even though right now, it is bad.

Even when you are having your worst day ever, somewhere a baby is being born :)

There are several things about society that are seriously wrong ( in a disturbing way, not necessarily incorrect way).

I don't want to get fat. or old.

I may be subconsciously sabotaging myself.

I still don't really know who I am.

Music is...more than words can convey. And that's what makes it so beautiful.

Let the Sunshine In

Fast forward to 2:40...gives me chills every time.



I was so meant to be a hippy.

Let it Be

This song came to me in church today. Inspiration? Most definitely.

"And when the night is cloudy,

there is still a light that shines on me.

Shine on 'til tomorrow, let it be"

"There will be an answer.

Let it be."

"Whisper words of wisdom.

Let it be"

Thank you Beatles. No one could have said it better.

Speak the Speech I Pray You

I have been told several times in acting classes to "let the text drive you" or something to that affect.

Do not fight so hard to make what you are saying mean something. The playwright has spent countless hours putting together this script. If he/she is a good playwright, the words will have their own rhythm and the script will be filled with actions and objectives. It is the job of the actor to find this ebbing and flowing of the language, find the actions and objectives, and then forget them. Forget the homework, don't show your teacher how good you are at using actions and just ride. Let your existence as the character float like a canoe on the currents of the text, pushing you towards your objective. Do not try so hard to manipulate the words. Allow the text to do the what it is meant to do. The text will make it easier to exist in the scene, to breath and feel, to achieve your objective.

That's what good acting is. And so much more. Of course.

But I had a realization today. This applies just as much, if not more so, to musical theatre acting. (I use that term liberally for, in reality, there is no difference between musical theatre acting and straight acting. They are all founded in the same things.) In musical theatre there is an added element to aide in the storytelling: the music. I realized today (and I can't believe I never thought of it before!) that when doing a song I should let myself ride the current that the music takes me on. Just as the text is a vehicle for straight acting so is the music for musical theatre. It is an added tool that the actor is given and should make acting easier.

I made this realization today when I was singing a song and let myself ride on the music and the text. The affect was definite. By allowing myself to ease into the song and use what the brilliant composers and lyricist had given me I was able to achieve more than I would have otherwise. I didn't need to push and try and show how hard I was working to act. Tension is not necessary. It is detrimental. Acting should be easy. Like breathing. Just. Existing.

Remember Me

No. This is not a suicide note or a cheesy greeting card.

I recently saw Remember Me starring Robert Pattinson. Whoah. Stop. Stop right there. Now hold on just a second, and try your best not to jump to conclusions. Yes it is the same guy who plays Edward in Twilight. No he doesn't glitter in this movie. And yes, he does an amazing job acting in this film.

My opinions on Robert Pattinson were a bit biased going into this show. I personally do not care for some of the choices he makes in Twilight--whether that is due to script or direction or his own personal choices, I don't know--so I was not sure if I would enjoy this film.

I was pleasantly surprised.

This film is beautiful. There are mixed reviews on it, and as with all reviews the critics seem to want perfection before they'll call it a great movie. It may not be legendary, but I feel it is a great movie. Mostly, I fell in love with the acting. Everything they were doing screamed what my acting teachers are constantly preaching. It was nice to see the tools I am being taught in action. There was a beautiful level of communication between Pattinson and his co-star Emilie de Ravin. There was life and breath in their acting. There was honesty and a sense of fighting for something. Action and objective. Life or death.

My words can't really capture the simplistic beauty of this film. Maybe it isn't the best movie ever. But for what it is, it is the best it could be and I now have high hopes for what Robert Pattinson will achieve.

Ya. I know. I just posted about Robert Pattinson. I'm lame. Sue me.

The chocolate agrees

"Live every day up to your expectations, not others."

-Dove chocolate wrapper

I'm through accepting limits

Ya. I know. It is super cheesy to put a line from a song from Wicked as the title of my post. Deal.

I realized that I have been limiting myself. I hold myself to other people's limitations of who I am. I become dependent on their opinions. I have been blessed with very supportive friends, but I have realized that I cannot rely upon their faith in me to sustain me. I need to know for myself what I can accomplish.

There have been many times when I have needed my friends, peers, and superiors to encourage me and approve of what I do. Who I am. For some reason I believed that if they said I could do it then I could. If they told me I was capable of something then I was. If they said I wasn't, then I wasn't.

I don't need that anymore. I can't need that if I am going to be successful. I know what I can accomplish and that is what matters. I have something unique and original to offer. I have the complete package. Someone else believing--or not believing--that I can make it is not going to change the reality of what I can do.

The profession (this crazy thing we call theatre) I have chosen is full of ups and downs. It is a complete contradiction with its necessity for confidence and its constantly critical circumstances. At times, I feel as if I am stuck on a roller-coaster of self-image. One day I can accomplish anything and the next I might as well give up.

I'm done. I'm done trying to make people see that I have potential. I am done trying to get people to believe in me. I am done trying to figure out if people approve of me. Done.

From now on my focus will be on my belief in myself. I must have my own independent, strong foundation. I will show love for myself by giving myself the time I deserve, that I am worthy of. Just because I may not be as talented as someone else right now does not mean I do not deserve to give myself the time to work on improving. I will do all that I can to take care of myself, to improve my talents, to work hard.

When I don't take care of my body or my mental health, I do not love myself. When I do not use my time wisely I am disrespecting myself and the time God has given me. The thoughts and energies I send out into the world will come back to me. If I tell myself that I am limited, then that will be the truth. I am only as great as my smallest doubts. I will not limit myself by sending out negative energy and giving myself negative reinforcement. I will believe in myself and the talents I possess.

This is my resolution to be the best me I can be. To live life. To be confident. To grow.

To love

me.

Full

I'm feeling a bit empty. Not sure why.

Not sure why I'm posting this. maybe if i send my emptiness into cyberspace it will disappear. for some reason we believe that other people knowing our problem will fix it. thats silly. thats stupid.

but i guess i am. so i think

maybe if i am better the empty will go away.

maybe if i think less the empty will go away.

maybe if i eat less the empty will go away.

maybe if i get approval the empty will go away.

maybe if i am busy the empty will go away.

maybe if i am talented the empty will go away.

how can empty be so full? so overpowering?

there's so much of nothing that i can't find room for

something.

Disclaimer

I would just like to say that from my post final, relatively sane standpoint that I am aware of how crazy that last post was. I am not even sure what that was about. Honestly don't remember writing it actually.

That was my brain on no sleep and little to no sanity. Forgive me.

Alice in Wonderland

We're painting the leaves silver! We're painting the leaves silver!

Yes....I am awake. Doing many tasks. I should do them. Not be BLOGGING.

but my

brain is fried. so i will take this moment to share.

I was painting live leaves. and now i'm writing what my professor wants to hear.

I spent time with the obvious statistics of this state. demographics, i mean. not statistics.
this probably doesn't make sense. that is why my essay isn't working, because this is how my brain is functioning

OR NOT

the magnets on my fridge dance a bit when i look at them. does that mean its time to sleep? nah......


OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!!!!!!

I know this might sound crazy, but I'm not like other people

"Everyone has plans for something greater

But they never leave town
They just let themselves drown
But I won’t be pulled down
Not Me"



"I refuse to stay and act like it’s fine
You can keep this life
Because it sure isn’t mine
I can’t wait around until the day that I die..."

Martha Graham, how did you know?

"There is a vitality, a life force, an energy, a quickening that is translated through you into action, and because there is only one of you in all of time, this expression is unique. And if you block it, it will never exist through any other medium and it will be lost. The world will not have it. It is not your business to determine how good it is nor how valuable nor how it compares with other expressions. It is your business to keep it yours clearly and directly, to keep the channel open. You do not even have to believe in yourself or your work. You have to keep yourself open and aware to the urges that motivate you. Keep the channel open...No artist is pleased. [There is] no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer divine dissatisfaction, a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others."

-Martha Graham

Amen Martha. Amen.

In that place

where a person becomes a memory,
where memory becomes the truth,
and reality is just somewhere in between.

thoughts are like rainwater and my hands full of holes.

drop. drip.

drop.

judgment freezes action and
the world becomes too big. my arms too
small.
and all I can do is cry,

"O Time, thou must untangle this, not I;
It is too hard a knot for me t' untie"

19

Yup. Me. Ya me. I'm 19. Its my birthday, for 5 more minutes! Weird huh? Life is going faster than I thought possible and I have a feeling it will keep speeding up.


Things that have changed and happened since a year ago (yes i know. i make lots of lists, so sue me!)...

I don't live at home

I'm in college

I am in the ATP

I can belt a B

I'm slightly less uncoordinated

I have several new friends

I have kept some great friends

I have kissed a transvestite on stage ;)

I care about fashion-to an extent

I have a greater understanding of people

I have grown to be more comfortable in my own skin

I learned the Smith's in Salt Lake has two levels

I have become a less judgmental person

I have learned what it means to listen and not be selfish

I have come to know myself better

I have auditioned more times than I can count

I had a job

I fell in love with Regina Spektor's music

I had two boys sleep in my room (that is, if they really count haha love you both)

I have set off a fire alarm

I have fallen. and gotten back up.

I died saving loved ones (all in the safety of 110)

I became addicted to facebook

I have gone from Grace Fryer to Rocky Whore

Public transportation has become my friend

I have learned the importance of not pushing (emotionally) on stage

I have questioned life

I have failed. gloriously

I have found the need for balance in life

I have learned to breath

I have cried. laughed. loved. I have lived!

No Words

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!! lajfkd;lajfkl;djfkladjfkl;jk!!!!!!!!!!!!





that is all. thank you. and good night.

Fact of the Matter

I have regrets. Is there anything I can do about them? No. That's why they're regrets

I should probably sleep now. Not exactly thinking reasonably.

night world. night life. time for a pause.

Dear Self,

You love theatre. It makes you happy. The thought of experiencing theatre and immersing yourself in theatre is exciting. You have something original and completely unique to who you are. No one can take that away. No one can match that.

It hurts to think of being inadequate. Remember that heartbreak, because paired with the heartbreak of failure is the desire for success. It wouldn’t hurt so much to fail if the desire to succeed weren’t so great.

Don’t forget how you felt today. Don’t forget that when you thought about not being good enough—about theatre being an impossibility in your life—you nearly cried. Don’t forget the drive and passion you felt to have the best. Don’t forget that your reasons are noble.

You have vision and understanding that is individual to yourself. No one else sees things like you do, and that is a gift.

You don’t need to show people you are passionate. You don’t need to shove your personality onto others, they will see it. It is safe to “show” that personality. The scariest thing is to be completely and plainly yourself, vulnerable and susceptible to rejection. It is also the only way you will truly be able to succeed.

Know that no matter what, there will be hard times. But, through it all, you love theatre! Don’t forget it. And if you do, read this letter again.

Sincerely,
Me

First Semester

So, I never blogged about my first semester of college and I've decided that-at least for my own sake-I should do so. I learned a lot. Changed a lot. Just a few reflections and lessons learned from my adventures at school:

Self reliance.

When it boils down to it, I am all I've got. People will disappoint. People have their own lives. No one can fix your problems for you. No one can make decisions for you.

Life sucks.

That sounds pessimistic. I don't mean all the time, but sometimes life just sucks. Things happen. Crap hits the fan, but you just have to push through it regardless of whether you want to or not.

Work ethic.

I always had an easy time working hard at the things I love. It wasn't until this semester that I was really forced to work at something that I had no passion for whatsoever. I got a job at the U Phonathon (a place that calls alumni and asks for donations. Let's just say their turnover is so high they are always hiring). I hated it. I wasn't passionate about it, but I learned to just suck it up and do it anyway. Sometimes you just have to do what's necessary, regardless of how you feel about it.

Laundry.

Contrary to popular belief, it will not wash itself. Even if you ignore it. It doesn't respond well to the silent treatment.

Diversity.

People are different. I knew this before. I knew there were a lot of different viewpoints out there, but it wasn't until recently that I realized the reality of what that means. Life isn't a New Era magazine. Stories of conversion don't run rampant across campus. You can't go around preaching to people. I have found the way that I feel embodies the teachings of the gospel in my life is accepting everyone around me. Isn't that what Christ teaches? To accept and love everyone. I can't-and nor do I want to-go about spouting my beliefs to everyone, but I can accept them and be a good example of what religion should be about.

Money.

No. It does not grow on trees. Nor does it magically appear in bank accounts or in parent's wallets.

Religion.

It was always a part of my life, but now I have found a real reliance on it. I have come to realize that I need the balance. I need church and without it I feel sick and disoriented. I love theatre, but for all the theatre I have in my life I have to make sure it is balanced with religion. Not so I can tell others that I have stayed faithful, not for the reputation that my upbringing insists upon, but for myself.

My life is not a drama.

No matter how crucial something may seem at the time, it isn't that big of a deal. I don't need to talk to someone every time a crisis occurs. Still working on this one.

Health.

Eating a brownie will not make me happy. That basket of fries will not fix my problems. I am happiest if I take care of my body. If I sleep, exercise, and eat right I have less problems with anxiety and function better in everyday life. If life seems too overwhelming I probably just need to go to bed.

Listening.

I have become a much better listener. I used to be very selfish in my conversations. I don't think I really was even aware of it, but I was. I have learned to listen and enjoy it. Often now, when I am talking to my friends I would rather listen to what is happening in their life than talk about my own problems. Sometimes I do slip into old habits, but I have learned the importance of nurturing relationships through listening.

Friends.

I contemplated getting rid of mine. That sounds bad, but I don't mean it in a rude way. I just mean, I contemplated taking away relationships and social life. No time, no energy. But, I have come to realize that friends are a huge part of my life. I can always rely on them and I will always be there for them. Even if life changes, I choose what will happen with my life and I choose to hold onto my friends.

Public Transportation.

It is my friend. A temperamental, smelly friend but a friend nonetheless.

Its ok to be alone.

I need people. As much as I hate it, I do need people. But, I have learned to be solitary. Sometimes, it is nice to be alone. It is nice to do something by myself and not need someone to come with me. It is nice to have my own agenda. I like my space and I feel free and independent when I choose to be alone.

I am a unique, worthwhile human being.

If I don't care about myself then who will? If I am not going to take the time to care about myself and have confidence in who I am, then no one else will. I will not be worth an director's time if I walk into an audition without any confidence.

I don't know who I am.

I thought I knew. I thought it was simple, but then I got into the real world (sort of). There are some things I just never thought of that were suddenly brought to my attention. Like what do people see when they look at me? Who am I really? Who do I want to be? When theatre is taken away, what is left? Am I more than my profession, my passion? I still don't know. Still trying to figure this one out.


Hopefully somebody out there gained something from all that. If not, I still feel better for having written it down and seeing it in black and white.

I am an actor. I commit...

to put myself on the line.

to be uncomfortable.

to react.

to rid myself of limitations.

to keep my mind and body clean.

to explore my emotions.

to be brilliant.

to be ok. with everything.

to work hard.

to be an artist.

to change humanity.

to observe.

to have empathy, and compassion.

to love.

to make decisions.

to be courageous.

to be scared.

to be vulnerable.

to be aware of how others and I feel and react.

to learn.

to open myself up, one notch at a time.

to accept rejection, and move on.

to be confident despite adversity.

to be absolutely insane. Relatively.

to be willing to play.

to be talented.

to not be judgmental.

to be self-disciplined.

to be curious.

to accept.

to be ok with mistakes. Actually, to embrace them and learn.

to be me. And love it.

I am a human being.

Enough Said

Sisters...

...you just have to love them. My mother insisted on taking our pictures together while we were all home for break. I'm not a big fan of getting my picture taken, but I think they turned out pretty cute. These are some of the pictures we took that my mom and my younger sister, Kylee, edited. I think they capture the essence of us, and what it means to be a sister. I may not always be the nicest sister and we fight sometimes, but I do love them.


From left to right: Me (Ana), Shaleene, Clarissa, and Kylee



Us, Plus Jersey and Rex :)

Time...

...falling through my hands like sand through a sieve. When my hands are empty will I know what happened while I was trying to stop the flow? Or will I have learned to live instead?