Sisters...

...you just have to love them. My mother insisted on taking our pictures together while we were all home for break. I'm not a big fan of getting my picture taken, but I think they turned out pretty cute. These are some of the pictures we took that my mom and my younger sister, Kylee, edited. I think they capture the essence of us, and what it means to be a sister. I may not always be the nicest sister and we fight sometimes, but I do love them.


From left to right: Me (Ana), Shaleene, Clarissa, and Kylee



Us, Plus Jersey and Rex :)

Time...

...falling through my hands like sand through a sieve. When my hands are empty will I know what happened while I was trying to stop the flow? Or will I have learned to live instead?

Exercise...

...is good for the soul.

is good for the body.

keeps me sane (relatively).

is an essential part of a healthy life. The sooner I learn to remember this, the better.

is my comfort zone

is something I can control. When everything else is too much for me, I exercise. I can force one foot in front of the other. I can do one more rep. I can't control the unknown, but my physical body is something I can control.

makes me feel skinny.

helps control my anxiety and emotions.

lets me eat chocolate and not feel guilty.

isn't just about looking good, its about being able to live life.

makes me happy.



just some observations from a day improved by exercise.
that is all.

the end.

America...

has me absolutely disgusted right now. Well, not America itself, but commercialization and just random aspects about culture here. But, before I go on with my rant I should let you know that I had planned on getting on and updating on some more relevant life stuff, but that will just have to wait. This is what is on my mind.

I am disgusted by fast food. It is a motley of mediocre, malnourishing foods! I went to the mall yesterday and was disturbed by the food industry today. I have been trying to eat healthier recently and my awareness of healthy eating has made me hyper aware of unhealthy eating. I became so frustrated when I saw that everything around me was either unhealthy or healthy and gross. I'm not saying I want my carrot to taste like a Big Mac. When I say gross, I mean that either the healthy food wasn't fresh or the hygeine was poor enough that I didn't dare eat uncooked food at that facility. Now, I'm not saying all places are this gross. But, the one I was at appearently was. Everyone surrounding me didn't seem to care that they were eating vitamin deficient, artery clogging foods. What has our nation come to? We look at food as merely an entertainment. We need to be entertained. Like every other activity Americans take part in, the process of providing our bodies with nutritional fuel has become one of delighting our taste buds only. If you want to take a look at some healthy food solutions go to Linda's blog, she has some great ideas on healthy living.

My other qualm with America at the moment is perhaps actually more to do with myself. I went shopping for my Christmas clothes yesterday. While I was shopping I was bothered by the selection of clothes I was presented with. Everything was so commercialized. I felt like everything I would pick out would make me look like every other person walking down the street. Either I would look like an American Eagle poster ad or some wanna be individualist in bohemian garb. Nothing was completely original. It was all just the process of style movements. We, as a people are subject to those high end fashion executives that sit in their snooty outfits and debate over whether the vogue color for this season should be cream or ecru! It is like in A Devil Wears Pradaand Anne Hatheway is a bit amused by the ridiculous process of just picking a design. She says she is still getting used to all this fashion "stuff" when Meryl Streep's (genius!) character snaps back,

"This... 'stuff'? Oh... ok. I see, you think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select out, oh I don't know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you're trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back. But what you don't know is that that sweater is not just blue, it's not turquoise, it's not lapis, it's actually cerulean. You're also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar De La Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves St Laurent, wasn't it, who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of 8 different designers. Then it filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic casual corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and so it's sort of comical how you think that you've made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you're wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room. From a pile of stuff."

That is what I mean! We are just a product of the industry. If some head honcho fashion designer just broke up with their boyfriend who was wearing teal at the time, no one will probably be wearing teal for a whole season! Not life changing, I know, but odd to think about, just how coddled we are by the fashion industry. They tell us something looks good by putting it in a magazine. We come to beleive that is fashionable and will make us happy. We go to the store and buy that, only to find a few months later that what is fashionable-and therefore will make us happy-has changed!

Now, there is also the situation where a person is trying to NOT follow the fashion industry. Such as what I attempted to believe I could do. I don't mind following trends, and I admittedly want to look good. However, I want to feel original. I want to look like me, not like 50 other girls walking down the street. But try as a I might to be original, I felt like everything I tried on was exactly like what everyone else was wearing in this conglomeration of commercialized society. So, I suppose this is where it comes back to me. I am the one who is obsessed with standing out, with being different. Perhaps if I didn't have any drive to associate my individuality with my clothing this wouldn't be a problem. Most people don't have this issue when they go shopping, but I can't help but feel like when I am picking out that blue sweater to make a statement, all that really is happening is me playing into the hands of "the man."

I realize this is not a huge problem. There are people starving in Africa, the rainforest is dissappearing, and someone really needs to save those whales. And, I will most likely feel differently tomorrow and decide to eat some fries and buy a new wardrobe, but for now, this is how I feel.

Man, I sound like a hippy.

High School...

...is now done for me! A lot has changed since I last posted. I have now graduated from High School and am looking forward to moving on to new things.
I got a full tuition scholarship to the University of Utah in Salt Lake City. On top of that I got in to the Actors Training Program there. The ATP is rigorous program in theatre that has an entering freshman class of 20. Needless to say I was overwhelmed to be accepted in such an elite program. I still can't believe it. I'm waiting for someone to jump out and say, "just kidding!" It really doesn't seem like i could really get exactly what I wanted.
I had never planned on going to the U, but it all just seemed to fall into place. The auditions were at a perfect time, I was able to still apply for their department scholarship, and I even found a roommate in the course of all this. Once I auditioned I realized how much I would really love going there. The ATP is a nationally recognized program and the workshops I experienced there were so amazing I can only imagine what the classes will be like. Their style suits me so much, I can't wait to dig into some more real theatre work.
Truthfully though it hasn't hit me yet. It hasn't hit me that high school is over and I'm going to college and everything is going to be different now. I have a feeling it will hit me once I get about a week into college. I guess I'll tackle that when it comes, but for now I'm just looking forward to a future where I can continue to do what I love. Theatre.

Poetry...

...is not really my forte. and yet i have an urge to post this one. i don't know if its very good. so don't judge me too harshly. I like it now, but its new and as they say everyone thinks their newborn baby is beautiful. there's no title. emily dickinson style i guess ;)

Run to the Mountains--
a cry to the winds
of Strength,
Endurance, the will to
Win.

Thud Thud
Lub Dub
a pounding on the pavement,
an echo to the
Soul.

Steps to yards,
yards to miles
and still the Mountains
float in the
Distance:

Never closer, yet
ever nearer.
A race to the Mountains--

A Journey we've begun,
a race to be won.

Reality...

...has knocked me down. The truth of the matter is 1-I am going to college next fall 2-I still don't know where I'm going 3-They don't care about how much passion I have 4-There are so many talented people out there
I realize now that colleges don't care that I love theatre. They don't care that I have a passion to spread the message of what theatre really is. That its about the art. Its about finding yourself. Its about realizing truth. They only care about my talent, my ACT, my gpa. Its all just numbers! That is what everything is based on, some inconsequential number that somehow decides whether or not you will be successful.
Well, I'm through being limited by numbers. I am going to accomplish something. It doesn't matter if they don't want me now. All these colleges will be sorry one day when I have accomplished something great, and they passed up the oppurtunity to have me.
I know that wherever I go there is one thing that will remain constant: me. I will always be Ana. I will always be the me,no matter if I change and grow deep down I will always be that same person. And that person is not willing to sit back and watch other people take the oppurtunities that she could have. I'm not going to stand by and waste my life away.
It starts with the little things. I feel like I have so much on my plate right now, but I know that I can accomplish it all. It will just take time management and determination. I don't want to look back on life and think that I could've committed myself better, that I could have spent more time on important things.
There is no time to waste. We are only allotted a certain amount of time to live this life, and we don't even know how long that is. So, we must use every minute to the fullest, because we never know if it will be our last.
I'm going to start now. Today. To being a better person. To being a more productive person. And therefore, a happier person.

Life...

...is completely crazy right now! I feel like I've reached the calm before the storm. The rest of UEA I have nothing scheduled except when we get back to school everything will come crashing down! I just realized the show, Sleepy Hollow, is in FIVE DAYS!!!! I can't believe our productions class is almost through with our first show this year. We've already been down to shakespeare competition at SUU and we did very well, placing fourth overall in our division and fourth in our ensemble scene. I had the oppurtunity to compete in individual events with a monologue and was almost able to perform in the performance showcase.
I absolutely love shakespeare and I was practically giddy with the amount of shakespeare and amazing theatre I was presented with. Every time someone mentions shakespeare I just can't help but get a little excited. There is something about the way he is able to present universal truths through his plays that allows him to still touch his audiences today. Thats what I find truly amazing about being a playwright; the ability to touch audiences you don't even know. Words on a page can live on past the writer. Its like a way of being immortal. Your life will come and go; and, actually is very short in comparison with the overall picture, but through a simple paper and pen you can live on. I find it amazing that things as simple as words can be constructed, molded even, into a thriving piece of work. That work can then be experienced over and over by others and its vitality remains the same. It doesn't decrease in value the older it becomes, on the contrary, it grows as more people connect with it. The more people that are able to realize something--whether it be big or small--and are able to connect with writing the more powerful it becomes. Then, the amazing part about theatre is that those words are able to jump off the page and be embodied by real, living human beings on the stage. It becomes something real, and yet somehow incomprehensible that it can be so powerful to combine human talents in such a way.
A man named Cary Tryvanovich (sorry thats probably not spelled correctly, but his website is manonstage.com) recently came to our school. When he was here he did the most amazing pantomime(yes I said pantomime, don't scoff) show I've ever seen; however, it wasn't the show that really moved me, it was his speech afterwards. He spoke about the arts in general. He said that entertainment pleases the senses, but art touches the heart. How true that is! Through theatre, dance, music, painting, or what have you we can reach a different level of understanding. It is just something that is pleasing to the eye, until you have placed a bit of yourself within the project and then it becomes art. When it touches someone else its art. When people are able to realize another part of themselves then its art. Theatre is something that I see as allowing people to understand a different part of themselves. To catch, if only for a moment, a glimpse of what its really all about. What humanity really is. After hearing him speak, I realized that this is what I want to do with my life. I mean, I've always known that I really enjoy theatre and I would stick with it, but this sort of cemented the idea. I will go on and do theatre. I don't even really care what aspect of theatre it is. I could write, direct, perform, or anything really and be happy. I will continue writing, but it will probably be integrated into theatre in some way because I don't really see them as seperate things. I talked to Cary after he spoke, because I couldn't let someone who had possibly changed my life just leave without realizing the impact he had made. While I was thanking him I almost started crying; I felt so ridiculous, but I couldn't help it. It was like a spiritually moving experience to realize that this is what I am meant to do with my life.
I know lots of people talk about going on and doing great things and being passionate about them, but never really pulling through.I won't be one of those people. This is something I feel so strongly about that it can't just be chance. I will work my hardest to bring theatre to those around me. I will do it. Really,I will! I will live my life trying to help others realize that deeper more eseential part of themselves. That indescribeable part of us we call the soul.

New York...

...is amazing! I had the oppurtunity to vacation there for a week in the beginning of June, and had a blast! Here's a look at what happened.

Stress...

...is beginning to set in for the coming school year. I just feel like my life has been put in drive and the gear shift is stuck there. There never seems to be a moment when I can just sit and do nothing and I'm pretty sure I have the beginnings of an ulcer forming in my stomach. I start rehearsals next week and then school will hit. It all seems so surreal that I am actually going into my senior year of high school. If I so much as blink, I'm sure the rest of this year will just pass me by.
There is just so much that I want to accomplish that it doesn't seem possible. That is when I have to stop and tell myself to take it one day, maybe even one hour at a time. I know I can handle the work, its just thinking about the work to come that stresses me. I've decided that this year I won't allow anything to hold me back. I'm going to do everything in my power to reach my goals and be better than I was before.