Dear Self,

You love theatre. It makes you happy. The thought of experiencing theatre and immersing yourself in theatre is exciting. You have something original and completely unique to who you are. No one can take that away. No one can match that.

It hurts to think of being inadequate. Remember that heartbreak, because paired with the heartbreak of failure is the desire for success. It wouldn’t hurt so much to fail if the desire to succeed weren’t so great.

Don’t forget how you felt today. Don’t forget that when you thought about not being good enough—about theatre being an impossibility in your life—you nearly cried. Don’t forget the drive and passion you felt to have the best. Don’t forget that your reasons are noble.

You have vision and understanding that is individual to yourself. No one else sees things like you do, and that is a gift.

You don’t need to show people you are passionate. You don’t need to shove your personality onto others, they will see it. It is safe to “show” that personality. The scariest thing is to be completely and plainly yourself, vulnerable and susceptible to rejection. It is also the only way you will truly be able to succeed.

Know that no matter what, there will be hard times. But, through it all, you love theatre! Don’t forget it. And if you do, read this letter again.

Sincerely,
Me

First Semester

So, I never blogged about my first semester of college and I've decided that-at least for my own sake-I should do so. I learned a lot. Changed a lot. Just a few reflections and lessons learned from my adventures at school:

Self reliance.

When it boils down to it, I am all I've got. People will disappoint. People have their own lives. No one can fix your problems for you. No one can make decisions for you.

Life sucks.

That sounds pessimistic. I don't mean all the time, but sometimes life just sucks. Things happen. Crap hits the fan, but you just have to push through it regardless of whether you want to or not.

Work ethic.

I always had an easy time working hard at the things I love. It wasn't until this semester that I was really forced to work at something that I had no passion for whatsoever. I got a job at the U Phonathon (a place that calls alumni and asks for donations. Let's just say their turnover is so high they are always hiring). I hated it. I wasn't passionate about it, but I learned to just suck it up and do it anyway. Sometimes you just have to do what's necessary, regardless of how you feel about it.

Laundry.

Contrary to popular belief, it will not wash itself. Even if you ignore it. It doesn't respond well to the silent treatment.

Diversity.

People are different. I knew this before. I knew there were a lot of different viewpoints out there, but it wasn't until recently that I realized the reality of what that means. Life isn't a New Era magazine. Stories of conversion don't run rampant across campus. You can't go around preaching to people. I have found the way that I feel embodies the teachings of the gospel in my life is accepting everyone around me. Isn't that what Christ teaches? To accept and love everyone. I can't-and nor do I want to-go about spouting my beliefs to everyone, but I can accept them and be a good example of what religion should be about.

Money.

No. It does not grow on trees. Nor does it magically appear in bank accounts or in parent's wallets.

Religion.

It was always a part of my life, but now I have found a real reliance on it. I have come to realize that I need the balance. I need church and without it I feel sick and disoriented. I love theatre, but for all the theatre I have in my life I have to make sure it is balanced with religion. Not so I can tell others that I have stayed faithful, not for the reputation that my upbringing insists upon, but for myself.

My life is not a drama.

No matter how crucial something may seem at the time, it isn't that big of a deal. I don't need to talk to someone every time a crisis occurs. Still working on this one.

Health.

Eating a brownie will not make me happy. That basket of fries will not fix my problems. I am happiest if I take care of my body. If I sleep, exercise, and eat right I have less problems with anxiety and function better in everyday life. If life seems too overwhelming I probably just need to go to bed.

Listening.

I have become a much better listener. I used to be very selfish in my conversations. I don't think I really was even aware of it, but I was. I have learned to listen and enjoy it. Often now, when I am talking to my friends I would rather listen to what is happening in their life than talk about my own problems. Sometimes I do slip into old habits, but I have learned the importance of nurturing relationships through listening.

Friends.

I contemplated getting rid of mine. That sounds bad, but I don't mean it in a rude way. I just mean, I contemplated taking away relationships and social life. No time, no energy. But, I have come to realize that friends are a huge part of my life. I can always rely on them and I will always be there for them. Even if life changes, I choose what will happen with my life and I choose to hold onto my friends.

Public Transportation.

It is my friend. A temperamental, smelly friend but a friend nonetheless.

Its ok to be alone.

I need people. As much as I hate it, I do need people. But, I have learned to be solitary. Sometimes, it is nice to be alone. It is nice to do something by myself and not need someone to come with me. It is nice to have my own agenda. I like my space and I feel free and independent when I choose to be alone.

I am a unique, worthwhile human being.

If I don't care about myself then who will? If I am not going to take the time to care about myself and have confidence in who I am, then no one else will. I will not be worth an director's time if I walk into an audition without any confidence.

I don't know who I am.

I thought I knew. I thought it was simple, but then I got into the real world (sort of). There are some things I just never thought of that were suddenly brought to my attention. Like what do people see when they look at me? Who am I really? Who do I want to be? When theatre is taken away, what is left? Am I more than my profession, my passion? I still don't know. Still trying to figure this one out.


Hopefully somebody out there gained something from all that. If not, I still feel better for having written it down and seeing it in black and white.

I am an actor. I commit...

to put myself on the line.

to be uncomfortable.

to react.

to rid myself of limitations.

to keep my mind and body clean.

to explore my emotions.

to be brilliant.

to be ok. with everything.

to work hard.

to be an artist.

to change humanity.

to observe.

to have empathy, and compassion.

to love.

to make decisions.

to be courageous.

to be scared.

to be vulnerable.

to be aware of how others and I feel and react.

to learn.

to open myself up, one notch at a time.

to accept rejection, and move on.

to be confident despite adversity.

to be absolutely insane. Relatively.

to be willing to play.

to be talented.

to not be judgmental.

to be self-disciplined.

to be curious.

to accept.

to be ok with mistakes. Actually, to embrace them and learn.

to be me. And love it.

I am a human being.

Enough Said

Sisters...

...you just have to love them. My mother insisted on taking our pictures together while we were all home for break. I'm not a big fan of getting my picture taken, but I think they turned out pretty cute. These are some of the pictures we took that my mom and my younger sister, Kylee, edited. I think they capture the essence of us, and what it means to be a sister. I may not always be the nicest sister and we fight sometimes, but I do love them.


From left to right: Me (Ana), Shaleene, Clarissa, and Kylee



Us, Plus Jersey and Rex :)

Time...

...falling through my hands like sand through a sieve. When my hands are empty will I know what happened while I was trying to stop the flow? Or will I have learned to live instead?

Exercise...

...is good for the soul.

is good for the body.

keeps me sane (relatively).

is an essential part of a healthy life. The sooner I learn to remember this, the better.

is my comfort zone

is something I can control. When everything else is too much for me, I exercise. I can force one foot in front of the other. I can do one more rep. I can't control the unknown, but my physical body is something I can control.

makes me feel skinny.

helps control my anxiety and emotions.

lets me eat chocolate and not feel guilty.

isn't just about looking good, its about being able to live life.

makes me happy.



just some observations from a day improved by exercise.
that is all.

the end.

America...

has me absolutely disgusted right now. Well, not America itself, but commercialization and just random aspects about culture here. But, before I go on with my rant I should let you know that I had planned on getting on and updating on some more relevant life stuff, but that will just have to wait. This is what is on my mind.

I am disgusted by fast food. It is a motley of mediocre, malnourishing foods! I went to the mall yesterday and was disturbed by the food industry today. I have been trying to eat healthier recently and my awareness of healthy eating has made me hyper aware of unhealthy eating. I became so frustrated when I saw that everything around me was either unhealthy or healthy and gross. I'm not saying I want my carrot to taste like a Big Mac. When I say gross, I mean that either the healthy food wasn't fresh or the hygeine was poor enough that I didn't dare eat uncooked food at that facility. Now, I'm not saying all places are this gross. But, the one I was at appearently was. Everyone surrounding me didn't seem to care that they were eating vitamin deficient, artery clogging foods. What has our nation come to? We look at food as merely an entertainment. We need to be entertained. Like every other activity Americans take part in, the process of providing our bodies with nutritional fuel has become one of delighting our taste buds only. If you want to take a look at some healthy food solutions go to Linda's blog, she has some great ideas on healthy living.

My other qualm with America at the moment is perhaps actually more to do with myself. I went shopping for my Christmas clothes yesterday. While I was shopping I was bothered by the selection of clothes I was presented with. Everything was so commercialized. I felt like everything I would pick out would make me look like every other person walking down the street. Either I would look like an American Eagle poster ad or some wanna be individualist in bohemian garb. Nothing was completely original. It was all just the process of style movements. We, as a people are subject to those high end fashion executives that sit in their snooty outfits and debate over whether the vogue color for this season should be cream or ecru! It is like in A Devil Wears Pradaand Anne Hatheway is a bit amused by the ridiculous process of just picking a design. She says she is still getting used to all this fashion "stuff" when Meryl Streep's (genius!) character snaps back,

"This... 'stuff'? Oh... ok. I see, you think this has nothing to do with you. You go to your closet and you select out, oh I don't know, that lumpy blue sweater, for instance, because you're trying to tell the world that you take yourself too seriously to care about what you put on your back. But what you don't know is that that sweater is not just blue, it's not turquoise, it's not lapis, it's actually cerulean. You're also blithely unaware of the fact that in 2002, Oscar De La Renta did a collection of cerulean gowns. And then I think it was Yves St Laurent, wasn't it, who showed cerulean military jackets? I think we need a jacket here. And then cerulean quickly showed up in the collections of 8 different designers. Then it filtered down through the department stores and then trickled on down into some tragic casual corner where you, no doubt, fished it out of some clearance bin. However, that blue represents millions of dollars and countless jobs and so it's sort of comical how you think that you've made a choice that exempts you from the fashion industry when, in fact, you're wearing the sweater that was selected for you by the people in this room. From a pile of stuff."

That is what I mean! We are just a product of the industry. If some head honcho fashion designer just broke up with their boyfriend who was wearing teal at the time, no one will probably be wearing teal for a whole season! Not life changing, I know, but odd to think about, just how coddled we are by the fashion industry. They tell us something looks good by putting it in a magazine. We come to beleive that is fashionable and will make us happy. We go to the store and buy that, only to find a few months later that what is fashionable-and therefore will make us happy-has changed!

Now, there is also the situation where a person is trying to NOT follow the fashion industry. Such as what I attempted to believe I could do. I don't mind following trends, and I admittedly want to look good. However, I want to feel original. I want to look like me, not like 50 other girls walking down the street. But try as a I might to be original, I felt like everything I tried on was exactly like what everyone else was wearing in this conglomeration of commercialized society. So, I suppose this is where it comes back to me. I am the one who is obsessed with standing out, with being different. Perhaps if I didn't have any drive to associate my individuality with my clothing this wouldn't be a problem. Most people don't have this issue when they go shopping, but I can't help but feel like when I am picking out that blue sweater to make a statement, all that really is happening is me playing into the hands of "the man."

I realize this is not a huge problem. There are people starving in Africa, the rainforest is dissappearing, and someone really needs to save those whales. And, I will most likely feel differently tomorrow and decide to eat some fries and buy a new wardrobe, but for now, this is how I feel.

Man, I sound like a hippy.

High School...

...is now done for me! A lot has changed since I last posted. I have now graduated from High School and am looking forward to moving on to new things.
I got a full tuition scholarship to the University of Utah in Salt Lake City. On top of that I got in to the Actors Training Program there. The ATP is rigorous program in theatre that has an entering freshman class of 20. Needless to say I was overwhelmed to be accepted in such an elite program. I still can't believe it. I'm waiting for someone to jump out and say, "just kidding!" It really doesn't seem like i could really get exactly what I wanted.
I had never planned on going to the U, but it all just seemed to fall into place. The auditions were at a perfect time, I was able to still apply for their department scholarship, and I even found a roommate in the course of all this. Once I auditioned I realized how much I would really love going there. The ATP is a nationally recognized program and the workshops I experienced there were so amazing I can only imagine what the classes will be like. Their style suits me so much, I can't wait to dig into some more real theatre work.
Truthfully though it hasn't hit me yet. It hasn't hit me that high school is over and I'm going to college and everything is going to be different now. I have a feeling it will hit me once I get about a week into college. I guess I'll tackle that when it comes, but for now I'm just looking forward to a future where I can continue to do what I love. Theatre.

Poetry...

...is not really my forte. and yet i have an urge to post this one. i don't know if its very good. so don't judge me too harshly. I like it now, but its new and as they say everyone thinks their newborn baby is beautiful. there's no title. emily dickinson style i guess ;)

Run to the Mountains--
a cry to the winds
of Strength,
Endurance, the will to
Win.

Thud Thud
Lub Dub
a pounding on the pavement,
an echo to the
Soul.

Steps to yards,
yards to miles
and still the Mountains
float in the
Distance:

Never closer, yet
ever nearer.
A race to the Mountains--

A Journey we've begun,
a race to be won.