Monday, June 28, 2010

So pretty much...

I've got to get out of here. Out of this house. Out of this state.

Sadly, that is not an option right now.

My dad is in the other room yelling at the dogs about something, not sure what. Its probably not relevant anyhow. 
Oh ya. Did I tell you? We have 4 dogs. Ya. I know. Ridiculous. But hey, its not my house, not really. Its my parents and if my mom says we keep them, then we keep them. And I keep my mouth shut at the suffocating trivialness of it all.

I'm feeling claustrophobic. With this house and with my life. I feel so stuck, like anything I do is not going to get me anywhere. Like I'm a lost cause. Like no matter how hard I try I will never get better and will never be good enough.

I'm just terrified that one day when I do try to leave I'll get pulled back in. As if I'm stuck in some whirlpool of fate--where even when I think I'm getting somewhere, really I'm swimming in circles and no matter how hard I swim I will inevitably end up at the bottom of the ocean.

Or that I will get out there and realize I really am not good enough. Not even close. And then what? Then come back home with my tail tucked between my legs and become a mommy.

I'm not trying to whine or say "woe is me!" or beg for attention. I'm just saying it how I feel, how it is.

Basically, the vampires in my head are screaming at me. And I don't have it in me to kill them off right now.

**skip to 3:30 and you'll see what I mean**

Sunday, June 27, 2010

I want to do something about it

but what?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

I got the part


(ya. that pretty much covers it, but for those of you who don't understand what that exclamation embodies I'll fill you in.)

I auditioned for shows for this coming fall semester at the U a couple of months ago. I have been waiting anxiously and not so anxiously--while my subconscious sabotaged my sleep with unnerving dreams--for the cast list to be posted.

Yesterday I finally found out when a cast list on facebook--posing as an unassuming message--attacked me! No mental preparation allowed for viewing this cast list (which, believe me, is often necessary-cast lists terrify me!)

I will be playing Sorrel Bliss in a British-drawing-room type comedy called Hay Fever by Noel Coward (the same guy who wrote Blithe Spirit, if you're familiar with that one). I will be playing the daughter of the  crazy Bliss family, in this play that follows the family and their misadventures with some visitors.

Basically, this is the part I wanted. I will be working with the same director I worked on Rocky with and I am beyond excited!

More to come on Hay Fever and the adventures it will bring, later. For now, I am just beyond excited to get back to the stage and feel the love that only can be found within a cast! That love that comes from theatre and everyone doing something they love together. Ya. I miss that.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

Today's Realizations

Having the sabbath as a day of rest really is a blessing.

Everyone's life sucks in some way. And yet, there is something good to each life as well.

Tons of  people are going through stuff that I don't even know about. So, just a note to self, STOP WHINING.

I really want to be a hippy.

I seriously want to make acting my career. Not just a lofty idea, dream, or aspiration for fame.

It's a good thing fast food isn't my chosen career field.

Sometimes the world we are convinced of being reality whether it be a world of depression, grief, or exasperation is not the world as it is. Soon things will change and we will look back and say "wow, that was bad." Even though right now, it is bad.

Even when you are having your worst day ever, somewhere a baby is being born :)

There are several things about society that are seriously wrong ( in a disturbing way, not necessarily incorrect way).

I don't want to get fat. or old.

I may be subconsciously sabotaging myself.

I still don't really know who I am.

Music is...more than words can convey. And that's what makes it so beautiful.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Let the Sunshine In

Fast forward to me chills every time.

I was so meant to be a hippy.